LK: Good evening once again sir Arthur.
SA: Good evening.
LK: We spoke yesterday about the history of the Streeb-Greeblings. I’d like now if I may to move on to your more immediate family near. Your father now what sort of relationship did you have with him?
SA: My father was a remote icy man. Remoter and icier and indeed manlier than I was.
LK: Were you close?
SA: Well he was he was closer than me but almost from the moment I was born he wanted no more to do with me. Not very paternal as a father. Instead he proposed to have me reared by wolves. Fortunately for me there were very few decent-sized wolves in the Aylesbury area at the time you know. The only thing even remotely resembled a wolf was my Aunt Mary’s pekinese and my father in his wisdom drew the line at me being suckled by Pekinese.
SA: really why no no I great respect for the Pekinese they were the Chinese hunting dogs you know where they only as a bridge were tracked down the hippopotami that infested the Futsoi Valley and dragged them out of their warrens, hence the huge boggling eyes which they developed.
Yes, now a lot of people think the Pekinese developed that you would boggling eyes and always for them to be able to see in the dark down the hippopotamus warrens but not so, no not so, not so at all. The reason why the Pekinese developed such huge boggling eyes is purely one of surprise that any one should ask them to perform such a such a function. It’s terribly small, the Pekinese and the hippo by contrast is gigantic and it would take about 500 people he’s working as a team to drag the hippo out of its lair. So my father decided to have me help me raised by goats I said I was
LK: As a child you ran free with the goats?
SA: No, I was shackled to a post while I was way of getting me to stand on my own two feet two feet.
LK: shorter and your second gift to turtle dove. Is there a sentimental reason for that?
SA: No I can’get be sentimental about a bird that attacks helpless turtles, no I eat them without compunction I must say, a lovely lovely turtly flavour.
LK: As well as a taste for turtle doves, you’ve retained I imagine a lifelong fondness from the world of the goat: goat’s cheese, goat’s milk and so on?
SA: No no, oddly enough I went off goats somewhat after being raised by them they were taken to goats cheese though if you goat’s waistcoat, goat hats shoes underwear things like that, but that’s normal, everybody’s got those.
like them but the actual cheese I’ve never had much time for
LK: And what about your mother?
SA: Oh my mother by contrast was a saint. Whenever I think of my dear mother I have an abiding image of a small kindly plump gray-haired lady pottering at the sink. “Get away from the bloody sink”, my mother would yell at her, “and get out of my kitchen you awful plump little kindly woman”. Never found out who she was. Drove us all stark raving mad.
LK: Are you hinting there Sir Arthur at your father’s breakdown?
SA: Yes indeed. One day quite without warning he became utterly convinced that he was a bat. He made a pathetic sight standing there in the middle of the village green asking the locals to throw cricket balls at him.
LK: And did they?
SA: Oh yes, we all did. We all joined in. He was a deeply unpleasant and very unpopular man, but tough as teak, you have to give him that. Never gave in that he hung on in there for about six hours about four o’clock during the tea and of all they brought on the heavy rail er and that did the I think he’d have a pretty good innings
LK: Given the opportunity Sir Arthur is there any one thing that you wish you could say to your father now on reflection?
SA: I think very much what I ought to have said to him at the time what was that something along the lines of “Watch out papa, there’s a heavy roller behind you”.